The End of an Era/Engagement

Wedding Tomorrow

We have arrived.  It's been quite an eventful year, three months and five days since Ben suspiciously walked me out to a park by the water, and asked "What would make you happy?"  Turns out diamonds, diamonds make me happy.  And knowing that the person I've felt all these strong, end-of-the-world, crazy-clingy obsessive, "look at me-look at me NOW!," do-anything-and-everything-for-you-forever feelings for for the past 8 years agreed that yes, I would make an excellent life partner-- it was the perfect ending to long day in my ugly sweater standing in the cold. 

I remember when, after getting engaged, Ben told me that I couldn't call ANY of my friends to tell them the news.  Well, that's just not right I tell you.  It was because he wanted to ask my dad if he could marry me, like a gentleman.  But I had thwarted his efforts earlier that day because of my impatience.  I was tired and wanted to leave my parents' house to go home and sleep.  So after getting engaged, we had to keep the secret from almost all of our friends, and several family members, for at least 24 hours up to a week.   And I'm sure this girl remembers:  Amy was the first person to get the news, over pancakes at iHop, the day after the engagement...because I just couldn't take it anymore.  Our first outing as engaged people: rock climbing with the kung-fu students.  

Three weeks after getting engaged,  I just couldn't wait any longer.  I just had to find a cheap venue and find it fast so that we could nail down our date.  The past year HAS NOT gone by fast at all.  Not at all!  The past month has gone by really fast, but not the past year not.  

We've had several UPs of the past year and three months and five days:

• people gave us a lot of attention;  that was nice.
• we were able to watch my grandparents renew their vows again in Miami, and my Meme joked "You guys should just jump into the ceremony with us!"
• We celebrated another date-iversary:  number seven.
• I watched one of my best friends marry an awesome guy in Kazakhstan.  Keep in mind, I hadn't seen her in two years!  It was such a great reunion.  I'm wishing she could be here this weekend.
• I dressed up as Harley Quinn for Halloween.  
• Ben gave me a fantastic Valentine's Day and Birthday. 
• I received a kidney transplant from my dad!
• Ben and I managed to still love each other after everything:  after the arguments, after the disagreements, after the crying and vomiting, after all the money spent, long days at work, after the doctors appointments, after the cat waking us up at night.  We still managed to find moments to stop and stare at each other, just to say "I can't wait to marry you."  And now we're here.

And that was just ONE year of our relationship. My favorite UPs from the past 8 years together:

• Ben not breaking up with me after I destroyed his football within the first week, to two weeks of dating.
• Our five-hour phone and AIM conversations while I was in college.
• The fact that we still call each other several times a day just to say "Hi."
• Our first year anniversary gifts to each other:  season passes to King's Dominion.
• Ben visiting me in Mexico, and climbing Cerro de la Cilla together.
• Big things: like traveling to Hawaii and having one of the best vacations ever together.
• Little things: like just being together, falling asleep to a movie or just the sound of the fan. 
• Our emails to each other, even though we live together now.
• Moving in together and playing house.
• Adopting Burton.
• Getting engaged.
• The fact that after eight years, we've managed to still love each other.  We still find moments to stop and stare at each other, just to say "I love you."  Even if it's in the middle of an SVU marathon.  

Ben and I have grown up together in this relationship, and we've gotten to a point where we're just beginning to get a whiff at it's like when you're doing life with someone else.  There are so many good things about sharing life with someone.  There are no bad things: just things that take some getting used to, things you can't master after just two years of living together.  But I am so excited for everything that is to come, and so thankful for everything that's come to pass.  Nothing is wasted.  Good and bad, it's all absorbed into who we are as a couple, and it's made us the type of couple we are today. 

 

Tomorrow, Ben and I officially become a family. Thank you God for leading us to each other.  Thank you God that we met two different times, but Ben didn't remember me the first time.  Thank you God for being faithful for all these years.  Thank you God for this new family.  Praise in advance for what this family will be and for whatever blessings will unfold.

And thank you God that you helped Ben love me, even when it was difficult.  Even when I was being intolerable.  Even when I was stressed out.  Thank you for a man who makes me want to be better than I am now. 

In other news, no post on Monday because I'll be busy being married.  And I'll be on my "micro-moon," aka, I can't fly yet, and we didn't want to just go back to work after getting married. So we're going to the country. And we're annoying people by saying "micro-moon."  It's code for "Don't you dare assume this is my honeymoon!  My honeymoon is in GREECE!  Don't get it twisted."  Peace.

Wedding Planning-- Ben's View

Hey Y'all!  Jewel, here. I'm elbow-deep in last-minute wedding details.  We are just 10 DAYS away from the wedding and I'm still checking off items on my checklist.  While I'm gettin things done, Ben has graciously agreed to bless us with another guest post on the blog today.  Enjoy! 

Note to self:  don't write a blog post when you are riding a roller coaster of emotions.  My first post out of the gate is a smattering of stress-filled cliches and overreactions.  Sure, it accurately depicts what happens to a man when he overdoses on emotion and under-doses on sleep, but not the first impression I was hoping to present.

My name is Ben. I love football, I work with computers and I'm usually not very excitable (Jewel has enough of that trait for both of us).  In fact, Jewel and I have almost nothing in common outside of both being carbon-based life forms.  It stems way beyond just the obvious white guy/black girl conversation.  At the risk of sounding corny, we really are each others missing puzzle pieces; yin and yang (how appropriately color coded).

So consider the trials that awaited me about a year ago when the hardcore wedding planning started.  How was the mild-mannered procrastinating IT nerd going to cooperate with a sassy, calls-no-man-mister, planning machine?  Not well, apparently.

Forget about all the doctors appointments and fretting over transplants, finding common ground on wedding details has been quite difficult.  Don't get me wrong:  for small stuff we make a great team.
What couch should we buy?  "The grey one", you say?  Cool lets do it.
Need a new TV?  "I yield to your expertise."
What shade of yellow should we use for the wedding day napkins?
World War Frickin' III.

If I say Mustard Yellow, its gotta be Goldenrod.  If I come around and say, "You're right, Goldenrod works," then suddenly its hideous and Sunbeam Yellow is the new hotness.

At first it bugged me.  Why were all my ideas instantly paralleled with bad ideas?  Did I really have a bad sense of what looked good or what song would be good for an entrance or when certain events should take place?  In the end were these attacks against my personality?  Was our marriage doomed to fail before it began?!

But then I realized something:  why was I suddenly deciding that it was a bad thing for Jewel and I to be different?  We are, in fact, opposites.  Jewel has the uncanny ability to stay awake during meetings with the florist, something I will never have. Jewel also doesn't forget important dates and times.  In fact, Jewel was BUILT for this kind of work.  

But you want to know what Jewel can't do?  She can't do arithmatic.  She can't lift heavy objects.  And she certainly can't handle a mouse in the apartment.  So I've decided that in some cases compromising can actually be a bad thing.  Sometimes you just have to let the pros do what pros do.

I'm glad to know that the weaknesses in my own life are mitigated by the presence of an awesome gal and at the same time I feel happy that I can be there for her when she falls short.  Like when she downloads a virus on the computer...again...for the 3rd time. 

Wedding Wednesday: 1 Month!

30 Days 'Til the Wedding

OK y'all.  Things just got a little bit real. Or more real. The wedding is officially in one month. 

YES.  WOW.  That means officially I'm not going to be "dating" anybody anymore.  Oh I know, I know.  Married people like to say "But you still have to date your spouse! Make them feel special!  Date night!" etc etc. But no.  Just no, married people.  It's not the same thing.  As my sisters put it so kindly:

Danyelle:  "Jewel, how does it feel?  You're not going to be a 'single ass lady' anymore."

Jocelyn:  "Yeah. You're gonna be a 'married ass bi%ch." 

Danyelle:  "With a ring on it."

Yeah.  One more month  until I become a 'married ass bi#ch."  Awesome!

This is the first Wedding Planning post in like two weeks I think.  You should know that after I wrote that post I did nothing until I guess May 10 when I resumed my planning activities.  It was great to dive back into getting things done, knowing that the wedding is just a few weeks away.  It's pretty great actually.  I can really really REALLY say, things are coming together. I'm sure I've written that before but it's not like this.  Things are legit coming together.  It's kind of a great feeling.  OK sooooo here's what I did:

• DIY Review: I resumed the hunt a little "photo legacy project" that my sister and I are working on.  It's basically a showcase of old wedding photos from all the married couples that are attending our wedding.  I really really hope it comes together.  Jocelyn and I took a major leap forward with this project last week when we ordered the display that we're going to use to show the photos.  Really looking forward to putting this together.
• Guest list:  we closed out our guestlist!  Officially have 180 people attending the wedding.  Just a little bit big!  A little bit!  But a lot of our favorite people are coming and I guess we just have too many favorites.  I'm just happy this part is finished because that makes the next parts of planning just a tad bit easier.  This includes figuring out how many tables we need, how many centerpieces and flowers, how many menu cards, and how many high chairs for kids.  We have 17 kids coming.  Yep. 
• Along those same lines:  Jocelyn and I started working on the seating chart.  It's definitely not going to happen in five minutes.  But we're hoping to finish up a good first draft by the end of the week.  

And today, Ben and should be on our way to the courthouse to get our marriage license, which we have to use in the next 60 days.  

I'll end today's blog post with a special treat from our photographer.  Remember when Ben and I went to take engagement photos?  Well, they are HERE.  Our photographer, Vicki Grafton, has done an awesome blog post of all her favorite photos.  We really do love these photos.  I told Vicki these are like the best photos of us EVER and this is especially good because I actually look like I know how to take a good photo!  I'm still handicapped in the "taking photos" area of life, but when you have a talented photographer holding the camera anything is possible.

Enjoy our photos on Vicki's blog:Ben and Jewel's Engagement   http://vickigraftonphotography.com/blog/2013/05/jewel-ben-virginia-field/

Also....next week's post will be at the three-week mark. 
Whoa.

When Your Fiance Gets a Transplant -- Ben's View

Hi Readers! Jewel, here. I'm resting up, but my wonderful fiance is taking over blogging for me for a bit.  Enjoy, and I'll see you soon :)

4:30 A.M.  I am woken by the sound of Eminem’s “Lose Yourself.”   I dozily realize that Jewel has elected to start the most important day of her life, to date….with a song about a white rapper and the trials of battling in the ghetto.

I consider for what must be the millionth time how strange my fiancé is, but then brush it off along with the sleep in my eyes.  It is a cool morning so I am grateful for the warm water in the shower.  I contemplate how this may very well be the only relaxing thing I do all day long.  My thoughts are interrupted by Jewel requesting that I hurry up.

Breakfast is not in the cards for us this morning.  Jewel isn’t allowed to eat or drink so I figure the polite thing to do would be to not gorge in front of her. 

We arrive at Inova Fairfax Hospital by 6:00 AM.  Several members of Jewel’s family are already there, including some out-of-towners.  They greet us as one group of zombies greets other--mostly with grunting and awkward shuffles.  We settle into our seats in a spacious waiting room.

Jewel and her father are called into the back for processing.  I am struck by a strange parallel between a hospital wing that specializes in organ transplant and a slaughter house.  I push it aside and follow at Jewel’s heels.  Her father, Dallas, is accompanied by his wife, Waltina.  

Jewel heads to prep room “R”.  This tiny rectangular room might as well be a torture chamber.  For the next two hours, six different nurses come in to perform various tasks.  One takes her blood pressure.  Five minutes later another has her sign some consent forms.  A third asks her about her medication history.  Yet another asks if she has a living will.  The experience is peppered with Jewel’s whimpering:

“Ouch.  That IV needle really hurts”

“I’m really nervous”

“I’m very cold and thirsty.”

“I’m scared.”

Each sentence she speaks pangs me.  Her words are so heavy.  I cannot remember the last time I ached with sadness.  I barely spoke at all.  I feared that if I opened my mouth or even made eye contact with Jewel that the dam would break and I’d begin sobbing uncontrollably.  I feign interest in some medical equipment hung on a wall and struggle to hold up appearances.  I’m supposed to be strong for Jewel’s sake-- to inspire confidence and make her feel at ease.  But this day the only “support” I could muster was to not crumble to pieces.  If Jewel’s mother had not also made her way into the room I question if I would have been able to do it.  

Jewel asks me if I am sick.  She tells me I don’t look well.  Apparently, I’m not faking being OK very well.  I’m cautious to not make anything more than very brief eye contact for fear that she will see my eyes glistening with moisture.

I am afraid Jewel will die.  ‘No operation is without risk’ one nurse had said.  This fact has been drilled into me for the past year.  I’m convinced this is the last time I will see the love of my life.

And like a flash they inject Jewel with some drug that begins to force her eyes shut.  Half-assed goodbyes are exchanged.  No kiss.  No “I love you.”   Not even a, “I’ll see you soon!  Good luck!”

“Goodbye.”

*************************************************************************************

Four hours pass. Amy (the post-op nurse) introduces herself.  She speaks:

“Unfortunately…

Jewel is still in surgery.  There must have been some confusion but I’m here to clear that up for you.”

Really?  REALLY?!  You led with ‘unfortunately’?!?!

She explains that only Dallas is in recovery.  A previous nurse had earned a collective sigh of relief from Jewel’s entourage by informing us that both she and Dallas had successful surgeries and were in the recovery area slowly coming out of anesthesia.

The anxiety begins to creep back into me.  I’m already sore in my shoulder and neck from being so tense earlier.  What’s another few hours of wondering about the welfare of your future wife?  We thank Amy and she skips away.

Two more hours pass.  I’ve found distraction in answering technology questions for Jewel’s family and responding to the flurry of emails and text messages coming through both of our phones.  I am in the middle of responding to a text message when a nurse appears in front of me telling us that the surgery was a success and both patients are in recovery.   I may see Jewel in about 30 minutes.

I am escorted to the recovery area with Waltina, Jewel’s mother.   Jewel’s area is a mess of tubes, machines, and IV bags with long, complicated words printed on them.  Another nurse pokes Jewel in the head and she wakes up.  Her eyes struggle to focus and then she locks on me.  The word “Hi” limps out of her along with a tiny smile.  I repeat the sentiment and beam back at her.

“Am I healthy?” she asks.

I smile even brighter than before and kiss her on the forehead.

“Yes, Jewel.  You are”

T-Day: The Art of Remembering

Transplant Day

By the time this is read by most, I'll be asleep on a hospital table, while surgeons do what has taken more than 50 years to perfect.  May 3 is the last day that the kidneys that were provided to me at birth, perform their last few functions, and curl up and die.  May 3 is also the first day of my second chance at living.  

In the days leading up to the surgery, my nervousness played second fiddle to excitement.  Two years ago, when I was told that my kidneys, which had been declining in function for the past ten years, would eventually fail I rejected the idea that I would need a transplant. I protested.  I kicked, and screamed, and cried.  I was angry at myself, my family, my fiance...God.  Fast forward to May 3, and the thing I want most is to have this transplant. The thing I want most is to not be on the last leg of my life.  I want to feel what it's like to be 15 years old again, because that was the last time my kidneys worked perfectly.  

After everything is said and done, and I regain energy, stamina, health...I don't want to ever forget this time.  I want to have this past year burned into my brain and imprinted on my heart.  I want to think about this period of my life everyday.  I want to photograph my scar. I want to stare at it.  I want to flaunt it. I don't want to wake up one morning and forget what it has been like to cry, to wish I was dead, to wish I was alive, to wake up feeling awful, to go to sleep feeling awful, to be in pain, to feel alone. I don't want to forget what it was like to miss out on things, to take it easy, to quit drinking, to watch what I eat.  I don't want to forget what it was like to have to call for help, to have to rely on Ben, to have to depend on God every second of every day. To count on God to perform miracles. I don't want to forget what it was like to watch other people, healthy people, and feel happy, sad, or jealous.  I don't want to forget was it was like to want to give up, but then decide to push forward just one more day.  I don't want to forget what if feels like to know you can't live without your kidneys. I don't want to forget all the people who have done so much for me. I don't want to forget what God has done for me. I don't want to forget that this has been the worst and best year of my life. 

I want to remember this time so that there will never be a doubt in my mind that I am stronger than I think I am. That even when I feel most alone, I can count on more people than I could have imagined to be in my corner.   That Ben and I can conquer anything, together.  That hope is enough to keep two crippled kidneys chugging along for a whole year, functioning at less than 10 percent.  That nothing is impossible for God.  That He is good, all the time.

I don't want to take anything for granted. I want to be thankful for every single thing.  Good and bad, because at the end of the day, it doesn't go to waste. It's all absorbed and becomes part of who we are.

"We continue to shout our praise even when we're hemmed in with troubles, because we know how troubles can develop passionate patience in us, and how that patience in turn forges the tempered steel of virtue, keeping us alert for whatever God will do next.  In alert expectancy such as this, we're never left feeling shortchanged.  Quite the contrary--we can't round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours into our lives through the Holy Spirit."

Wedding Wednesday: Go DJ

73 Days 'Til the Wedding

Today, is a special Wedding Wednesday post. For one, I'm off work today because I'm having my catheter placement surgery this afternoon.  Ben also took the day off with me to be my caretaker and make me smoothies and rub my head.  Love him.  And second, this post is allll about the music!  

It's time for Ben and me to submit our playlist for the wedding!  Now, here's what I think, and this is just my opinion, which is obvious since it's my blog. Music can make or break a wedding. I've been a wedding guest maybe five or six times. My takeaway and advice for anyone else who wants advice on planning a wedding:  people will forgive you if you don't have real flowers (seriously, who cares?) and the food only has to be so-so (people rave about the food at their favorite restaurants, not at weddings).  But what people WILL remember is if the music was good, if they could dance to it, or if the DJ seemed to be stuck in a slow, jazzy mood, or if he played random duds.  People also remember if there was no music at all (yeah, I've been to a wedding like that).  Honestly, that's what I feel determines whether a wedding is fun or not. Which is why our DJ was the SECOND vendor we booked.  My requirements: someone who could play different styles; someone who would play hip hop and soul; someone who's DJ'd at clubs or bars.  My sisters and I love dancing and I've already practiced doing the robot in my wedding dress.  And after my surgery, I bet I'll either be sleeping, watching television, or having a dance party in my bed with my Beats by Dre (Thanks Boo!).  Join me in celebrating (?) a plastic tube coming out of my stomach with a little Wedding Mix dance party to some of the jams Ben and I have chosen for the wedding :)

People will be mingling and talking...and drinking.  Kendrick Lamar is one of my favorite hip hop artists, and I thought his "Swimming Pools" would be the perfect way to get the party started a little as people start to get a little tipsy. 

Now see, this is why I needed a DJ who could play different styles and make it not seem crazy.  Ben's pick from the Proclaimers, "I'm Gonna Be," is one of the songs he put on a mixtape for me.  I'll admit, I do love this song.  

I discovered Jazzanova when I was in college, during my "I don't really need to listen to music with a lot of words" phase.  Jazzanova was one of the few groups that managed to stick with me once I grew out of that.  I thought their "Behold These Days" would be the perfect dinner music, without giving off too much of a "smooth jazz feel."

Now Ben and I have been working pretty hard on the actual "dancing" part of the playlist.  We want to make sure we get everything we want on the playlist and we hope that our talented DJ can fill in the gaps.  But one thing we all agreed on--there needs to be a ton of Michael Jackson songs on the list.  A few birthdays ago, Ben purchased "Michael Jackson the Experience" for me.  And then one day, while playing, he scored hire than me on one of the dances.  In fact, he kept the high score for a while! I was so upset that I practiced for 8 hours one weekend, just to beat his score. And finally, I can say that I AM the reigning queen of "Smooth Criminal" in the Edwards/Ashman household.  What can I say? I'm bad.

The best thing about my dialysis appointment was Krispy Kreme

On Monday, March 18, Ben accompanied me after a long workday to my first home dialysis consultation.  The home dialysis nurse,Devi, was going to teach me all about what to expect, how I do it, where to do it, and how many times.  On the way to the appointment, I was pretty calm actually. Maybe even excited?

There weren't many cars in the parking lot.  Once I put the car in park, I started to feel the first quickening of my heartbeat.This was really my first time at a dialysis center.  As soon as we walked into the building, the scent of antibacterial spray and bodies flooded my nostrils.  It's hard to describe it any other way, but basically, it spelled like a hospital: suspiciously clean.  

In a little glass cubicle was Devi. She smiled at us and led us to her office and started the Q&A period.  She asked me about my GFR and what type of dialysis I'd like to do.  I'm looking at doing continuous ambulatory peritoneal dialysis.  CAPD is pretty easy to explain, surprisingly.  CAPD patients have a catheter (plastic tube) inserted into the lining around their abdomen. This procedure requires surgery.  The catheter stays there and about four times a day patients connect the tube to a bag of liquid.  Naturally, the liquid flows through the tube into an area below patient's stomach.  Think of your stomach having a long straw sticking out of it, and sucking on a huge capri son bag until it's dry.  That liquid stays in the stomach for a few hours.  Afterward, the patient connects another bag to the tube and that bag removes all the hours-old liquid from the area below the patient's stomach.  The liquid that comes out is usually yellow, the color of urine, because it's the waste that your kidneys are not removing.  

We watched two videos on ways to do this.  And each video followed a process: you are greeted by an very happy and enthusiastic, and nice looking person. Oh but they have a secret:  they have kidney disease...just like you!  What a surprise.  How do they manage to stay so happy?  Well you, as the viewer, don't have to worry about that.  The happy person explains that it wasn't too long ago that they too were receiving the call to do dialysis from their nephrologist.  This is usually done with a dramatized flash back to when the "happy person" was suffering with kidney disease and looked really run down and, frankly, scary.  The "happy person" then talks about nervous they were about starting dialysis but that their dialysis team helped them overcome their fears and now they're able to live a full life, raise a family, run a restaurant, and travel to conventions.  The End. 

It was a pretty convincing video, which is probably why they made it.  At many points throughout the movie I found myself thinking, "I can do this. I can do dialysis and have a great life."  Afterwards, reality set in, which is mostly just fear.  Devi asked if we had any question then she really laid it on:  I have to do dialysis, she said, if I want to live.  This is very true.  But she added that I will feel much much much better than I feel now.  Devi said, I'll feel like I'm cured if I do home dialysis, which she thinks is a good option for me. Hemodialysis, the kind I knew the most about, has many more complications and risks.  

I could feel warmth rush over my face and my eyes started to sting with the pain of trying to hold back tears.  As calm as I was going into the dialysis center, it wasn't until 3/4 through the visit that the reality of the situation fully set in.  I don't want to do dialysis. But I have to. I remember thinking I don't want to do this, life is not fair, and this is highly inconvenient.

"Do you want to see the hemo lab?"  Devi asked.  When we first entered the center. I could see behind a glass window separating the lobby and the lab.  I saw two people, an old man and a middle aged man, sitting in chairs, hooked up to machines. One was reading, one was napping.  It all looked so sad.  I wish I didn't have to say that, but that's the truth.   Those videos they make you watch, they have to be positive, so that you as the patient understand that you need these procedures to survive.  They want to encourage you. To make it look easier than it really is. In some aspects, it is easier. And there are worse things that could happen to a person.  But the fact is: being hooked up a to a machine for four hours a day, is not exciting.  It's not awesome.  It's not fun. It's sad. If it were any of the other things more people would be clamoring to do dialysis.  

When we left the center, it was pouring rain.  Ben drove while I sat in the back seat mulling over things.  He reached over the passenger seat and held my hand.  "Do you want to go to Krispy Kreme?" he asked, just as we were passing one of two locations within 30 min of our apartment.  I asked him if he wanted to go, since he had just passed the place.  Suddenly, we were making a U-Turn and pulling into the parking lot.  In less than a minute we found ourselves in front of this: 

Our excitement was palpable, just like the scent of the fresh donuts being pulled off the icing conveyor belt.  Like four-year-olds we fumbled about for 10 minutes trying to decide which 12 donuts to order. We needed to get equal parts glazed and filled, with one or two cake donuts thrown in. And of course we've got to have some of the warm originals. We finally placed our order and took our seats to devour the dozen donuts.  

Despite the depressing dialysis treatment lecture, this was one of the best days of my life.  I know, it's hard to believe.  Ben and I couldn't wipe the smiles off of our faces as we stuffed them with donuts.  I decided that instead of eating all six of the ones I picked out, I would eat one full one and then take bites out of all of the others.  As I moved from cinnamon apple to raspberry filled, I looked up at Ben, chipmunk cheeks filled with an Oreo Cake donut, and I wished I could stay in that moment forever.  I kind of forgot about what had transpired about a half hour before at the dialysis center.  The combination of sugar and Ben's presence was making me deliriously happy.  I thought, it's so nice to have someone to eat donuts with me.  It's so nice to have someone to go with me to my to doctor's appointments.  It's so nice to have someone who knows that after a depressing doctor's appointment, that naturally a trip to Krispy Kreme is what comes next.  

Ben and I don't know many other engaged people.  And the ones we do know don't have to deal with anything like this-- a test of your "in sickness or in health" vow before you've even have to vow it!  I would love to just have a normal engagement, you know, one where you just focus on planning your wedding, honeymoon, and maybe talking about buying a house.  But that's not our journey. However, I'm grateful for the one we're on.  Some people ask me if I'm scared  about getting married. But I am not. I am 100% ready.  I think what makes some people scared is the uncertainty of what's to come, how their partner will be.  Because of our special circumstances, I know 100% that I am taken care of, loved, appreciated, and protected.  I don't worry about if Ben is going to be there for me, because he already is.  

After seriously demolishing a half a box of donuts, we lingered for another 10 minutes to watch another fresh batch of donuts being made.  We even rooted for some of the underdog, deformed donuts to make it into the Krispy Kreme fundraising boxes, but they really do catch those quick!  I looked around the restaurant.  It was pretty empty except for a family with two kids, doing almost the exact same thing, marveling at donut creation.  This is what some families do---they take trips to Krispy Kreme, to have a special treat.  That day I was so happy to be there, watching donuts get fried, with Ben, one/half of my new two-person family.

A Celebration

On Feb. 21 I got...the call...the call that said my kidney function is lower and I'm continuing down the stairs of doom that you blog readers have come to know as kidney failure.  There really is no turning back now.  I prepared to receive the worst at my next appointment--a dialysis diagnosis. I tried to get myself ready, mentally and emotionally.  I looked for silver linings (feeling better, just temporary, not dying).  I did a teeny bit of research on National Kidney Foundation.  I looked up dialysis centers.  I was beginning to see that maybe this isn't all bad.  You really can conquer anything once you change your outlook and your attitude.  Some people are way ahead of me in that department:

See what I mean about changing your outlook and your attitude?  Only Jocelyn would link dialysis and financial wealth together.  

After building up all these good vibes, I was feeling pretty good about my Feb. 26 appointment with the nephrologist.  God came through for me and gave me that peace that I was praying for. So I woke up the morning of the appointment ready to go, and feeling surprisingly good.  I almost vomited again after eating breakfast but that's the life of a kidney failure patient!  Luckily, Ben was there to help me calm down.  He suggested I lay in bed for a little bit before the appointment. I was so happy to have him going to the appointment with me this time.  Usually, I go by myself.  But I figured this late in the game, with me feeling this bad, and getting all kinds of sucky news, I might as well just bring him along.  He didn't miss a beat.  He got the time off work and drove with me.  Love him!

We arrived at the appointment a little late.  For some reason I wasn't crazy nervous (Thanks God!), until I remembered that during the few minutes I took to calm myself down from feeling nauseated, I forgot to take my blood pressure medicine.  Oops, not that it matters, I thought. It's been high for a while now. And it will probably be high until I get the transplant.  Another thing I forgot---deodorant.  

The nurse walked me to the back of the offices and took my blood pressure.  "120 over 80" she said.  

Ummm, ok.  I'll take that!  Waaaaay better than 150 over 100!  

Then it was time to see the doctor.  I see Dr. Howard and the rest of the team at Metro Nephrology.  And one thing I really like about my doctors there is that they seem really really smart.  I've had some bad doctors and I've had some great doctors, and let me tell you, having an intelligent doctor and a doctor who's NICE to you, really makes a difference.  I actually don't mind going to see my nephrologists.  

Dr. Howard informed me that yes, my kidney function did go down, but that [surprise] I actually don't need to go on dialysis unless I want to.  AMEN!!!!

Whew, I've avoided the dialysis diagnosis...for now. My doctor seems hopeful that I'll be able to hold out for just a little longer until we find out if Jocelyn is a donor match which we should know after March 7.  Just around the corner.  Come on little kidneys!  Just hang on!  Just hang on for a few more weeks then you can be rid of this life and go on to dead organ heaven.  You can do it! I believe in you.  

While at the doctor's office I also got two new prescriptions:  sodium bicarbonate (or baking soda) to help with the rising acid levels in my blood and possibly the nausea, and pretty soon I should be hearing about whether my insurance will pay for me to get a shot that gives me more blood or something?  Because basically, I have like no blood.  Well...not true.  I think I only have half the amount of blood in my system that you're supposed to have.  Which makes me feel crappy and cold.  So hopefully I can get a shot that gives me a little more blood/energy.  

After the appointment, Ben and I both rejoiced, because it wasn't bad news!  At this point in my life, hearing that I have to take extra medicine isn't really bad news to me.  I'm just thankful there's a solution.

The night before the appointment, I relaxed on Ben's lap while he played Plants vs. Zombies on his phone.  Romantic, right?  "What do you think of dialysis?" I asked, looking up at the underside of his iPhone.  "Do you think it's a bad thing or a good thing."  Without pausing to look down from his game to answer this thought provoking question, Ben simply said "I think that I'm...we're...very fortunate to live in a world where we have the technology like dialysis to keep us going and allow us to live comfortably."  

That's why I love Ben.  He always reminds me to be thankful for the little things. 

Change your attitude and outlook, and you really can conquer anything.  

"And I owe it all to you..."

"I've fallen in love many times...always with you."

February 14, 2012

One Year Ago

I anxiously tried to pull up the lyrics to "I've Had the Time of My Life" on my phone's web browser.  It finally loads and we both lean across the table, our foreheads touching to scan over the lyrics.  "Which one's the man's part?"  "Do you know the chorus?" "I can probably fake it through some of these verses."

I love Dirty Dancing, but in this moment I wished I'd loved it enough to commit every line of this song to memory, so that I could teach you, so that we could fulfill the wish of the woman sitting next to us at dinner. This woman, her husband, her husband's brother, and his wife, have been with each since they were 14 and 16 years old. They were celebrating a lifetime of love and laughter with champagne and strawberries and expensive steaks. And they graciously invited us to join in, with complimentary champagne and toasts to what they hoped would also be a lifetime of love and laughter for us as well.  Then the woman begged us to sing the anthem from Dirty Dancing, in front of about 60 other people, drinking and singing along with the most unexpected enthusiasm, in one of the most unexpected places--a historic restaurant, inn, and piano bar in Old Town.  

We chickened out at the last minute, but joined in with the others during Footloose.  We raised our hands and clapped, smiling and every so often, shooting a look at each other silently agreeing that "This is awesome." 

We had such a good time that by the time we left, my birthday was nearly over. It was basically the 15th of February.  To our surprise, the garage where we parked the car had closed for the night.  There was no panicking, no complaining, no worrying. We simply started walking, hand in hand, up the street, lined with lit trees to the metro station to catch a cab home.  It was cold out, but I'd never felt so warm with your arm around me.  It was late, but I'd never felt so refreshed and awake.  It was our 7th Valentine's Day together, but it still felt like the first.  The difference? I loved you way more on the 7th Valentine's Day than I did on the first. And you can bet I love you more today than I did last Feb. 14.

***

Ben, you've heard from a lot of people that it must be hard dating someone with a birthday on Valentine's Day.  Well, you make it look easy. Thank you for honoring me in a way that is most uniquely you on every birthday and Valentine's Day for the past eight years.  And in case you didn't know it, I am still  psychotically obsessed with and in love with you.  It's kind of ridiculous. Happy Valentine's Day.

Ben, Feb. 13, 2013, with a semi heart-shaped egg in a basket.  I did a do-over with heart shaped pancakes.

Wedding Wednesday: The WE in Wedding

"If two stand shoulder to shoulder against the gods,
Happy together, the gods themselves are helpless
Against them while they stand so."
~Maxwell Anderson

If you're planning or have planned a wedding, then you've probably heard the common refrain that many couples foolishly spend more time preparing for the wedding, and not enough time preparing for the marriage.  It's basically a warning to engaged couples to not forget about the rest of their lives.  Yes, after the wedding, there is...real life. 

Well, for today's "wedding planning," Ben and I completed our required premarital counseling workshop.  Getting married in a church usually comes with a bunch of rules about decorations, the use of real flowers and rice, and there's also the rule that each couple has to complete anywhere from a few hours to a full month of premarital counseling with a religious officiant or marriage counselor.  

For some people, I know the word "counseling" can seem scary, it makes it sound like there is something wrong with the way your handling things in your relationship.  And to that I say, nobody is doing everything right in their relationship.  And if you think you're doing everything right, then that means you're probably biting your tongue a lot and I don't want to be around when things explode.  One thing I've learned from my 7 years with Ben:  everyone is annoying, everyone is crazy, and everyone is selfish.  If for one second you think you're above all of that, then you're probably the most annoying, selfish and craziest person in the relationship.  

I think for many couples, they don't experience this side of their significant other before wedding.  Fortunately, or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it, Ben and I have seen this side of each other because not only have we been dating for a while, but we live together.  Through the workshop, counseling, or maybe even meeting with a mentor a few times a month couples can learn how to cope with their partner's annoying, crazy, and selfish habits when the fancy clothes are put away and the wedding gifts are opened, but also to learn how to work on your own flaws.  And really those are the small things. 

But I think planning for a wedding does teach you some things about marriage.  For me, it's the first time that I've had to really make decisions with Ben. We made a big decision together when we decided to move in together, but other than that, I've always felt like the other decisions we made together didn't have much weight.  I think Ben said it best when he said he feels like getting married validates us, makes our decisions together and our lives together much more serious. Not anything we can just back out of when we feel like it. And honestly, I do think a switch flips over when you get engaged that lets you know "Ok, this is serious. I can't just back out anytime I want now."  

And secondly, planning a wedding together really enforces what it means to have your partner's back, and for them to have yours as well.  So guess what.  Not everyone is as enthused about our wedding plans or the decisions we're making.  Crazy, right?!  Well, there's more. Listen in...not even everybody LIKES all the things we're doing for our wedding.  Soooo weird, right?!  Since we started planning our wedding we've gotten every reaction in the book to some of the decisions we've made.  Everything from "Oh, awesome!" to "Really? Yellow? Hmmmmm."  And we can always count on my mom and dad for a Lil Jon worthy "WHAT?!" as a reaction to just about everything we plan.  Lessons learned?  Except for this blog space right here, we've decided to stop discussing our wedding plans as much.  But more importantly we've learned to stand by each other when we're criticized or praised.  I can tell you, some of the moments where I've felt the most loved and cherished have come from when Ben is sticking up for me.  A few days ago we got into a conversation with my parents about why we're doing a "first look," i.e. seeing each other before the wedding ceremony.  Que the "Lil Jon WHATS?!" from both my parents.  

I felt awkward and under pressure to cave to their beliefs.  What if I made the wrong decision to do this? Then Ben reminded me that that it wasn't just my choice, but our choice.  I glanced at Ben, and he put a stop to all my panicking. "We just really like the idea of meeting up beforehand. It fits into what we're trying to do," he said.  And with that right there, my confidence was restored. Ben asked me a few days ago, what I was looking forward to about being married. And I'm looking forward to a lot of things, but I like knowing that Ben will always support me. We won't agree on everything. Won't. But I like the idea of making more serious decisions from here on out, some easy and some difficult, and having someone standing behind me saying, "It's OK. We're in this together."  

Wedding Wednesday: Breaks in the Action

Although I'm ready to end this engagement and move on to married life (and new kidney life!), there are perks to having an engagement that lasts 15 months. I haven't always felt that way though. There are a few young women at my church and my job, and also my best friend Zarina, that are recently married. I was really jealous of those women because most of them had engagements that lasted six or seven months!  I was jealous because A) they made it to the big day and were now living out there lives as wives with their new husband; B) they obviously had access to more money that I do, so they didn't have to spend months and months saving for the wedding; and/or C) they didn't feel compelled to invite 200 people to dinner, dancing, drinks and merriment.  I think nearly all of these women had less than 100 people in attendance at their weddings. 

You know one thing I really wished I'd done?  I wish I'd had the sense to save a little bit every month, since the first year of college, maybe high school even, for my wedding. I know some people think it's a bit presumptious to begin saving for a wedding that hasn't even been planned yet, whilst not even engaged.  But the part of me that's staring down reception menus showing up to $100 per plate is now kicking myself for not planning well enough ahead. It's not like I was indifferent to marriage. I've ALWAYS wanted to get married. And I've always wanted to have a wedding. These sentiments have not changed or wavered since I was about five years old.  And I've been dating Ben for almost eight years!! So what was my problem?  People save for college, trips to Europe, houses. Why not start early on saving for a big party like a wedding if you know you're going to have one someday, be it at 24 or 44. 

Anyways, in my perfect world, I would have loved to have a short engagement. In the United States, the average length of an engagment is 15 months. I've heard that when you have a shorter engagement, you don't have time to pull your hair out over or be as picky about things.  But one of my favorite things about taking over a year to plan a wedding is that I haven't been planning things nonstop.  I've had whole months go by since last March where I really didn't do anything wedding related. After making our first big decisions (DJ, photographer and date/venue), Ben and I went to Florida. And I didn't do anything else for a month and a half.  And we've had other lulls, I guess you can call them.  Now that the wedding is inching closer, I can't afford to take entire months off anymore (unless I want to kill myself come May). But last week for instance, we had a bit of a lighter load for wedding planning. We set a limit for how many people we'll invite to the rehearsal dinner, finalized a dinner napkin color, and confirmed that I was going shopping for a flower girl dress for Ben's niece to wear to the wedding. 

Then we set up a long list of things we want to accomplish in February.  And it is long!! Ben and I agreed that this month is going to be devoted to ceremony planning, which we're pretty excited about.  My best friend from college is planning to do a reading that we'll be editing together this month, and we're planning to meet with our officiant, my second cousin!  And next week, we'll be spending a very special Wedding Wednesday at premarital counseling.  I think it's a half-day workshop. 

Our ceremony isn't going to be especially long, but I'm really looking forward to it. I know there's a lot of people who, despite their affections for the couple getting married, just go to weddings for the open bar. And as past and future guest, I hear ya!  Open bar is AWESOME. But I also love being able to witness the union of a couple, both people digesting the meaning of each line of the vow they say as they say them,  learning through their readings  and the officiant's speech what it means to them to promise to look after each other forever. I love seeing the unique fingerprint each couple leaves on the ceremony, from the song selection to the participation of their loved ones.  Ben and I are having a Christian ceremony. But even if you have a civil ceremony, it's the moment of making those promises and vows to one person before a group of people that makes this part of the wedding so special. 

Until next Wedding Wednesday, here's a pretty, pretty picture of the pretty, pretty princess who will be covering the aisle with flowers on our wedding day :)