Wedding Wednesday: Gettin' Serious and Serious Travel Plans

I have a confession to make: Ben and I haven't been planning the wedding on just Wedding Wednesdays.  Because we are now feeling the pressure of a big, expensive event bearing down on us, we've started planning the wedding on Wednesdays, and Tuesdays! I can't believe it myself.  For while though, we really did get by with just doing stuff on Wednesdays, and maybe setting up an appointment or meeting with a vendor on a Saturday or Sunday.  But that just wasn't cutting it sadly.  I say "sadly" because I love this wedding, I'm super excited about getting married, and getting to see a bunch of friends and family members that we haven't seen in a while.  But I've been trying to avoid something. I've been trying to avoid losing touch with reality. 

It is incredibly easy to get sucked into the hype that this wedding will be thee most important day in my life--the hype that it all has to be perfect and great and sunny, and everyone has to match. And you have to have DIYs and personal touches and enough time for pictures, and good food and open bar and homemade candy or everyone will hate you.  And I'll be the first to say that I did it, I...I became a "wedding porn addict."  Wedding blog after wedding blog, post after post, picture after picture, Pinterest pin after Pinterest pin.  If you've never explored this big world known as the "wedding industrial complex" then you're safe.  But if you have, you know how it's so easy to submerge yourself into a universe that is always pretty and always perfect, but so difficult to tear yourself away from being fascinated with...yourself, and what your wedding could be.  I know this probably sounds confusing, but in a nutshell, I've been trying to avoid boring people to death with my wedding plans! Oh, thank goodness for this blog where I take one day a week to obsess and write about my flowers and cupcake frosting!  

So this week, it's more ceremony stuff.  We're getting sheet music together, researching communion items, editing our readings, and working on our personal vows. AND, if I have a spare moment, addressing invitations.  

But there's one other thing I haven't talked much about on this blog, and it's a very important thing.  Before the month is up, Ben and I will be purchasing our plane tickets for GREECE!  Depending on who you are and your outlook on travel and life, you may have reacted to that statement like this:  

It's OK.  I've gotten that many times. Some background:  I LOVE TRAVELING. And throughout our time together, Ben has come to love traveling as well.  One of our life missions as a couple is to invest in memories, not materials. We may not ever have the nicest furniture, the biggest house, the most expensive car, or even the fanciest wedding!  What we will have is moments at dinner reliving that amazing night we spent in the nicest hotel we've ever stayed at in Maui.  Or longing for one of the best tacos from the best little taco shack we've ever eaten at in Monterrey Mexico.  And I could probably stay up all night listening to Ben talk about his childhood driving back and forth to Oregon.  You're always going to need a new computer, or a new iPhone because they come out with them every year, and we all know the lifespan of those wedding invitations.  But things that don't die or need to be repaired are memories of experiences you've had. 

Ben and I did a lot of research on potential honeymoon destinations, before we realized how expensive weddings are. After we came to our senses, we decided that Greece was a more realistic destination for us.  With equal parts beauty, history and romance, we think it will be a great place to relax and recoup after the wedding.  

The reason we've gotten so many surprise reactions to our decision, is because people are worried about us.  "What about the economy?" they say. "What about the riots?"  I could honestly go on and on and on about why those two things haven't deterred us from going to Greece, and why those two things will probably never stop us from traveling anywhere ever.  But I won't.  I'll just show you this, the view from the hotel we'll be staying at in Santorini: 

And this, the Parthenon, which has survived many good and bad economies I suspect:

Last one:  

So basically, we've heard everyone's concerns. We're taking them into consideration, and we're working with an expert to plan a successful and fun honeymoon.  And that expert has assured us that we will be OK.  

And I suppose if we do get stuck in a riot, what better place to be than on those steps, right? However, I should point out that the picture of the steps is in Santorini. Most of the political action is limited to Athens, the capital. But riots or no riots, Ben and I are looking forward to collecting several memories from our first vacation as husband and wife!  The Ashmans...in Greece! 

And to be safe, we did purchase vacation insurance in case my new kidney decides that it hates Greece and wants to go back home. 

The Repercussions of Being an Irresponsible and Lazy Adult

As of 11:00 A.M., Feb. 18, it began to sink in that the next doctor's appointment I have may not be with my nephrologist, but with my kidney transplant surgery...as in...in surgery.  Because I screwed up.

As much as I love to plan and organize things, and make sure I do stuff at the exact right minute, there is just one task that I haven't been able to master yet.  Ever since I graduated college, and began seeing a new nephrologist (a.k.a. kidney doctor), who is great by the way, I've been having problems following orders.  Before every appointment, the doctors and nurses advise me to have my blood drawn and urine taken at least one week before every appointment.  I don't know why it's so hard to get it through my thick skull that I have to do this!  I usually end up getting the labs done, one to two days before, because I've learned the ins and outs of the blood drawing system and I've discovered that it doesn't actually take one week for them to do what they're doing to my blood.  Before every appointment, they run tests on my creatinine level, along with iron, cholesterol, etc.  Those tests are pretty quick actually!

So, because I realized this, I've pushed it to the limit every time. I don't go to Lab Corp one week before.  I go just one or two days before and pat myself on the back about how I got it done without following their stupid rules.  Those "stupid rules" however, were created for stupid people like myself, to prevent patients from waiting until the last minute and showing up without any updated labs.

Well, I thought my game would work.  On Friday, I went to Lab Corp during my lunch break. On days where I have to do labs or doctor's appointments, I try to work from home.  I started work a bit early that way I'd have an hour to take lunch.  But before I go any further, I have vent a little on my frustrations with Lab Corp. 

Dear Lab Corp,  you have a job to do and I'm sure you know what that job is:  you test blood, urine, and poop samples for doctors so that they can determine the best courses of treatment for their patients.  I've been a customer of yours for about 10 years now, only because there's really no other labs in the area that I can go to to have these services performed, unless I go to the hospital.  Lab Corp, you know that it is not ok to have customers--paying, sick customers, or even screaming children--waiting in your cramped, not-enough-seating waiting room for two hours.  That's not OK at all.  I have to believe that you know that's not OK.  I understand that you're probably a bit understaffed.  I get that happens sometimes. But for 10 years?  Ten years of being "understaffed" just doesn't sit well with me.  And I'm saying, that I'm not buying it anymore.   

Anyhoo, my venting pretty much describes my dilemma.  I went to Lab Corp, waited for an hour.  There were still 20 people before me, and they'd only serviced three people since I'd entered the waiting room, one of which was a four-year-old girl, screaming bloody murder from one of the drawing rooms. If I hadn't known any better, I would have thought she was being tortured by a chainsaw.  One of the waiting customers asked how much longer the wait would be.  One of the Lab Corp Technician's responses: "It's going to be a while. We're about to go on lunch."  And that was my queue to get up, cancel my doctor's appointment, and leave.   I was never going to have my labs done in time to see my nephrologist. And as much as I would love to blame this on Lab Corp, I should have penciled in time in my schedule to wait two-hours to get my blood drawn earlier in the week, not at the last possible minute. 

Basically, I'm a little scared.  When I called to reschedule, the only opening the nephrologist had was March 13.  Will I make it until then, is the question that's been running through my mind.  I'm not thinking I'll just drop dead (very possible though, for anyone really), but now I won't know how much worse my kidneys are getting.  How much lower is the GFR?  How high is my blood pressure (I stopped checking again. OOPS.)?  Am I feeling tired because of my disease or because I'm not getting enough sleep?  Am I eating less?  Why is my eye twitching? Is my face swollen?  Do I need dialysis already? Am I OK? 

Right now, I'm in this phase where I just want to get the transplant over with because the thought of my organs dying inside me is about to drive me crazy.  And now, because I'm STU-PID, the thought of not knowing how fast my kidneys are dying...that's whole 'nother level of insanity. 


UPDATE:  You know, I'm an optimist.  Ben says it's one of the things he loves about me. So I just can't end this blog post without something positive and without thanking my sister, Jocelyn, for starving herself and undergoing five hours of tests last week.  Thank you, Jocelyn.

She heard back from the doctor's today, and it sounds like she "passed" the first round. Woohoo!  She has one more round of testing and meetings and then I suppose we'll know if she's really the best match for me.  Couldn't get through this without her, Ben, and my two best friends in New Jersey.

"And I owe it all to you..."

"I've fallen in love many times...always with you."

February 14, 2012

One Year Ago

I anxiously tried to pull up the lyrics to "I've Had the Time of My Life" on my phone's web browser.  It finally loads and we both lean across the table, our foreheads touching to scan over the lyrics.  "Which one's the man's part?"  "Do you know the chorus?" "I can probably fake it through some of these verses."

I love Dirty Dancing, but in this moment I wished I'd loved it enough to commit every line of this song to memory, so that I could teach you, so that we could fulfill the wish of the woman sitting next to us at dinner. This woman, her husband, her husband's brother, and his wife, have been with each since they were 14 and 16 years old. They were celebrating a lifetime of love and laughter with champagne and strawberries and expensive steaks. And they graciously invited us to join in, with complimentary champagne and toasts to what they hoped would also be a lifetime of love and laughter for us as well.  Then the woman begged us to sing the anthem from Dirty Dancing, in front of about 60 other people, drinking and singing along with the most unexpected enthusiasm, in one of the most unexpected places--a historic restaurant, inn, and piano bar in Old Town.  

We chickened out at the last minute, but joined in with the others during Footloose.  We raised our hands and clapped, smiling and every so often, shooting a look at each other silently agreeing that "This is awesome." 

We had such a good time that by the time we left, my birthday was nearly over. It was basically the 15th of February.  To our surprise, the garage where we parked the car had closed for the night.  There was no panicking, no complaining, no worrying. We simply started walking, hand in hand, up the street, lined with lit trees to the metro station to catch a cab home.  It was cold out, but I'd never felt so warm with your arm around me.  It was late, but I'd never felt so refreshed and awake.  It was our 7th Valentine's Day together, but it still felt like the first.  The difference? I loved you way more on the 7th Valentine's Day than I did on the first. And you can bet I love you more today than I did last Feb. 14.

***

Ben, you've heard from a lot of people that it must be hard dating someone with a birthday on Valentine's Day.  Well, you make it look easy. Thank you for honoring me in a way that is most uniquely you on every birthday and Valentine's Day for the past eight years.  And in case you didn't know it, I am still  psychotically obsessed with and in love with you.  It's kind of ridiculous. Happy Valentine's Day.

Ben, Feb. 13, 2013, with a semi heart-shaped egg in a basket.  I did a do-over with heart shaped pancakes.

Wedding Wednesday: The WE in Wedding

"If two stand shoulder to shoulder against the gods,
Happy together, the gods themselves are helpless
Against them while they stand so."
~Maxwell Anderson

If you're planning or have planned a wedding, then you've probably heard the common refrain that many couples foolishly spend more time preparing for the wedding, and not enough time preparing for the marriage.  It's basically a warning to engaged couples to not forget about the rest of their lives.  Yes, after the wedding, there is...real life. 

Well, for today's "wedding planning," Ben and I completed our required premarital counseling workshop.  Getting married in a church usually comes with a bunch of rules about decorations, the use of real flowers and rice, and there's also the rule that each couple has to complete anywhere from a few hours to a full month of premarital counseling with a religious officiant or marriage counselor.  

For some people, I know the word "counseling" can seem scary, it makes it sound like there is something wrong with the way your handling things in your relationship.  And to that I say, nobody is doing everything right in their relationship.  And if you think you're doing everything right, then that means you're probably biting your tongue a lot and I don't want to be around when things explode.  One thing I've learned from my 7 years with Ben:  everyone is annoying, everyone is crazy, and everyone is selfish.  If for one second you think you're above all of that, then you're probably the most annoying, selfish and craziest person in the relationship.  

I think for many couples, they don't experience this side of their significant other before wedding.  Fortunately, or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it, Ben and I have seen this side of each other because not only have we been dating for a while, but we live together.  Through the workshop, counseling, or maybe even meeting with a mentor a few times a month couples can learn how to cope with their partner's annoying, crazy, and selfish habits when the fancy clothes are put away and the wedding gifts are opened, but also to learn how to work on your own flaws.  And really those are the small things. 

But I think planning for a wedding does teach you some things about marriage.  For me, it's the first time that I've had to really make decisions with Ben. We made a big decision together when we decided to move in together, but other than that, I've always felt like the other decisions we made together didn't have much weight.  I think Ben said it best when he said he feels like getting married validates us, makes our decisions together and our lives together much more serious. Not anything we can just back out of when we feel like it. And honestly, I do think a switch flips over when you get engaged that lets you know "Ok, this is serious. I can't just back out anytime I want now."  

And secondly, planning a wedding together really enforces what it means to have your partner's back, and for them to have yours as well.  So guess what.  Not everyone is as enthused about our wedding plans or the decisions we're making.  Crazy, right?!  Well, there's more. Listen in...not even everybody LIKES all the things we're doing for our wedding.  Soooo weird, right?!  Since we started planning our wedding we've gotten every reaction in the book to some of the decisions we've made.  Everything from "Oh, awesome!" to "Really? Yellow? Hmmmmm."  And we can always count on my mom and dad for a Lil Jon worthy "WHAT?!" as a reaction to just about everything we plan.  Lessons learned?  Except for this blog space right here, we've decided to stop discussing our wedding plans as much.  But more importantly we've learned to stand by each other when we're criticized or praised.  I can tell you, some of the moments where I've felt the most loved and cherished have come from when Ben is sticking up for me.  A few days ago we got into a conversation with my parents about why we're doing a "first look," i.e. seeing each other before the wedding ceremony.  Que the "Lil Jon WHATS?!" from both my parents.  

I felt awkward and under pressure to cave to their beliefs.  What if I made the wrong decision to do this? Then Ben reminded me that that it wasn't just my choice, but our choice.  I glanced at Ben, and he put a stop to all my panicking. "We just really like the idea of meeting up beforehand. It fits into what we're trying to do," he said.  And with that right there, my confidence was restored. Ben asked me a few days ago, what I was looking forward to about being married. And I'm looking forward to a lot of things, but I like knowing that Ben will always support me. We won't agree on everything. Won't. But I like the idea of making more serious decisions from here on out, some easy and some difficult, and having someone standing behind me saying, "It's OK. We're in this together."  

Interview with a Vampire...or Sister

"Sisters annoy, interfere, criticize.  Indulge in monumental sulks, in huffs, in snide remarks.  Borrow.  Break.  Monopolize the bathroom.  Are always underfoot.  But if catastrophe should strike, sisters are there.  Defending you against all comers."  ~Pam Brown

 

It's been one whole week since I wrote anything of substance related to kidney disease or transplants. I was beginning to wonder if I was even having a transplant anymore!  But the best reminder is that my sister is going through this whole process with me.  So, I guess I am having one. Whomp, whomp :-/

Tomorrow, Dec. 12, I'm returning to Inova Fairfax Hospital for breakfast cross-match testing, and the day after, my sister Jocelyn is going to the hospital to do a series of tests to determine A) if she's healthy enough to give me her kidney; and B) if she's the best match for me.  

Before being diagnosed with this disease, I never thought much about the option to donate anything..blood or tissue related.  I've known for a while that I cannot donate blood, due to my exposure to Mad Cow Disease while living in Germany with my parents.  And I'm not listed as an organ donor on my driver's license.  I know. I suck.  But I'm thinking of changing it!  Typically, listing yourself as an organ donor on your license ensures that if you're in an accident of some sort that leaves you incapacitated or dead, hospitals will harvest your organs for transplant.  But after learning that organs from living donors have the best chance for prolonged function and have a lower risk of rejection, I started thinking about what it might be like to be a living donor, what type of person would want to make this commitment to change someone's life for the better, what type of person would literally give of themselves so that they could give someone a better, healthier existence for the rest of their time on Earth. 

My 20-year-old sister would appear to be that type of person.  She has kindly offered to share a few thoughts with the readers of this blog (however many or few there are!) on why she's volunteered to "audition" for transplantation and how she feels about it.

"Before signing up to test as a donor I didn't know much about kidney transplants. As soon as the possibility of me being a donor began to draw closer, I started to research things about it on the internet, like the survival rate, and I would read the brochures about donors that Jewel would get from the hospital.   I would give my sister a kidney because there is no other option.  If she doesn't get a kidney she could die, or at the least live a very unpleasant life. And neither would be the best for me, her or my family.   If I'm a match, I'll be happy because then i'll stop having to worry about if i'm not a match, and what is going to happen to her and our family if she has to actually wait for a kidney.   I want to get the process over with as fast as possible, but im worried about missing classes and dance practice. Which although in dance i'm a fast learner, in school it really helps being there to learn the material.  As far as the surgery goes,  I'm not worried or nervous about surgery or anything.   I just want the operation to go well, and I'm hoping that my kidney syncs with Jewel's kidney. The only thing I'm nervous about is how much school I'm going to miss. I have a job.  I'm a part of a team and a club and I have work for classes that i need to take care of. i just don't want recovery time to interfere with that too much. I've heard a wide range of times for recovery.  I just hope it only takes 2 weeks max.  And then there's the wedding planning. I'm Jewel's maid-of-honor.  Being a bridesmaid is going okay.  I just wish Jewel would stop pretending she wants me to help when she clearly has it all under control."

And there you have it!  That's my 20-year-old sister. 

UPDATE:  So we crossed our fingers and said a prayer, but alas, the blood test results are in for Ben. And he is....not the same blood type as I am. What does this mean: he's not completely ruled out as a potential donor, because it's a two-pronged test that matches your tissue type also. However, he's not at the top of the list either.  We were sad for a little bit but on the bright side, instead of Ben spending the next few weeks getting over his needle phobia, he can prep his "Alfred" skills, since he'll kind of be at my beck and call for about a month after the surgery.  I mean that in the best way possible, Ben :)