The moment when your realize you need a miracle.

I'm scheduled to have my peritoneal catheter placement surgery on Wednesday, April 3. 

I guess I just feel sad; not even really scared anymore.  The shock and fear is starting to wear off. Reasons why I'm sad:

• I have to have surgery;
• I have to pay money;
• I have to have a tube coming out of my stomach (attractive);
• I have to make all these extra doctor's appointments;
• I have to postpone the honeymoon.

I know I shouldn't say it, but my life SUUUUUUUUUCCCCKKKKSS right now.  And honestly, thinking about how "things could be worse" only adds to the depression.  So I won't be doing any of that.  

Today, I'm making a concerted effort to remind myself of all the things for which I should be thankful.  

I'm also trying to think of ways that I can stay positive.  Because as you know, *just smiling* is not staying positive. It's smiling and pretending everything is OK.

I'm also trying to figure out what this scripture is saying to me:  

Matthew 17:14-20

"At the bottom of the mountain, they were met by a crowd of waiting people.  As they approached, a man came out of the crowd and fell to his knees begging,  'Master, have mercy on my son.  He goes out of his mind and suffers terribly.  Falling into seizures. Frequently he is pitched into the fire, other times into the river.  I brought him to your disciples, but they could do nothing for him.'" 

"Jesus said, 'What a generation!  No sense of God!  No focus to your lives! How many times do I have to go over these things?  How much longer do I have to put up with this? Bring the boy here.' He ordered the afflicting demon out--and it was out, gone.  From that moment on the boy was well."

"When the disciples had Jesus off to themselves, they asked 'Why couldn't we throw it out?'"

"'Because you're not taking God seriously,' said Jesus.  'The simple truth is that if you had a mere kernel of faith, a poppy seed, say, you could tell this mountain, 'Move!' and it would move. There is nothing you wouldn't be able to tackle.'"  

I'm also thinking about how it would really take a miracle to stop the catheter placement.  

And I'm realizing that I am helpless [Unable to defend oneself or to act without help] at this point.  

I'm also trying to decide if I'm also hopeless [ Having no hope; despairing.] 

I know this post was filled with random thoughts and things, but "sometimes it be's like that." 

Oh and one more thought: right now I kind of wish this had never happened to me.  

OK, one last thought: I can't change the fact that this has happened to me. It's happening.  This train of "sucky health/life" is going full speed ahead and I'm strapped to one of the passenger seats and can't get off even if I wanted to.  But I'm really hoping that when this train stops, I'm in someplace awesome, and that it was all worth it in the end.